I bought Azumanga Daioh on DVD today. Well, okay, that should really be ‘I bought Azumanga Daioh on DVD again today’, as technically I already have it on DVD. Only that’s the original Japanese release where they strung all the episodes together without the OP and EDs separating them. No short movie, either – I don’t think I’ve ever even seen that. That release is a good, what, seven year’s old now?

This kind of purchase seems to be getting somewhat more common for me recently – that is, old shows I kind of feel like rewatching, but am too lazy to struggle with being a BRW by watching the R2’s I’ve got already, therefore inciting me to pick up the local release which has inevitably plummeted in value so far that the expenditure seems minimal to me. I ended up grabbing Abenobashi recently too…

Anyway, that’s the requisite anime and/or blogging related portion of the post out of the way. I kind of feel obligated to do that, since I’m listed on Animenano, yet I’m too lazy to create the “off-topic” category that would result in it’s feedscraper dismissing the post outright. The actual topic of this post is this – I went to see the G.I. Joe movie today.

G.I. Joe is probably somewhat of a harder sell in the UK than it is in the ‘States – after all, it’s originally a product of the Eighties, when we were less willing to put up with the “Hey you guy’s, we’re AWESUM” American jingoism it put forth. It was therefore that, in a move resulting in the fabulous musical opening sequence from the old animated movie being completely and utterly ruined, we demanded it be rebranded into something more international so we could all laugh at the hilarious over dubbing that ensued. ‘Go Joe!’, you say? Nah, I’d rather go ‘Full Force!’, even if that meant characters voices suddenly go completely off as a result.

Actually, the rebranding is more to do with the G.I. Joe line having been integrated into, and eventually taking over entirely, another range of similarly sized military figures that were supposed to have some kind of marketing synergy with the Action Man toy line that was manufactured by the UK licensor for G.I. Joe at the time, and is a brand synonymous with military toys here in the UK.

The real point, though, is that G.I. Joe isn’t really a name which invokes any nostalgia over here – by the time they completely rebranded the toy line in the UK to carry it’s original moniker, it was pretty much dead. Whilst I personally knew the connection between the properties, I do wonder how many others of my age bracket (the one’s who’d know the toy line) are aware – certainly, I’ve seen the above-mentioned facts completely and utterly misunderstood in a few locations across the internet. I assume that most normal people aren’t obsessive enough about pointlessly arcane cartoon trivia to know or particularly care about such matters, which may well go some way to explaining why the screening I went to was rather emptier than I’d have thought.

Somewhat amusingly, it turns out that in this movie, G.I. Joe really is an elite international task force rather than a collection of Real American Heroes. Not that they were particularly All American in the first place – let’s face it, Snake Eyes was everybody’s favourite character anyway, and he’s a ninja. Despite what those lying old movies would have you believe, Ninjas are totally not American. I think they’re French.

Anyway, being an 80’s revival property, this is the kind of movie that’d typically result in internet rage about how it’s nothing like the original, and how it’s COMPLETELY RUINED how awesome it was in the first place. Except, in a somewhat shocking turn of events, G.I. Joe is pretty much exactly like it was in the 80’s, by which I mean it’s a two hour long toy commercial with little basis in reality, science or logic. Infact, I think it’s the only movie I’ve ever been to see in the cinema which has adequately set the tone for what was to follow by actually being proceeded by an advertisement for it’s own toyline, complete with what some could consider as being *gasp*spoilers!

This isn’t to say that there’s a huge amount to spoil in this – our heroes jump from playset to playset, alternating their costumes and equipment just enough to ensure that they can adequately pad out the toyline. I particularly like The Pit, the Joe’s headquarters, with it’s multiple layers of facilities perfectly suited to be Sold Separately. The cleverest thing the movie does is introduce the character who it’s so painfully obvious is going to become Cobra Commander by the pictures end, only for it to be revealed to be a massive red herring. A twist that I’ve now completely ruined for you all. Sorry about that.

In any case, it’s a movie with all the sensibility of a cartoon show designed to sell near-futuristic military toys. This, thankfully, is pretty much what I expected, and indeed, wanted going into it, and despite it’s aggressively stupid-yet-straightfaced nature (indeed, it’s unarguably less complex than some of the original shows better stories), it’s not quite as aggressively stupid as Transformers 2, and benefits from the lack of Teen Insert characters (and the resulting painful humour) no-one cares about and action sequences that mere mortal men can mentally process in a fashion that’s followable. It doesn’t so much matter that these actions scenes may, for example, involve a SUV cycling through the many special features designed to sell it’s miniature incarnation, whilst a ninja clings desperately to it and a pair of guys imbued with superhuman powers by robotic suits give chase because, well, it’s got a SUV blowing stuff up whilst a ninja clings desperately to it and two guys in robotic suits give chase. It’s got a pure, visceral fun about it assuming you manage to disengage most of your higher mental functions going into it. Plus Christopher Eccelstones Scottish accent is fantastic, by which I mean it’s hysterically bad in all the best ways it possibly could be.

I’m somewhat hoping me writing this is going to prepare the few of those reading this that have the intention of actually viewing the movie for what they are actually going to be getting – you need to lower your expectations from this being a modern remake of G.I. Joe, to this being G.I. Joe, with all the stupidity and lack of realism that goes with it. I don’t care that ice floats (or, rather, in this movie doesn’t) – all I know is that the movie presented trouble, and said trouble presented iself not over just land, not over just sea, not over (well, in) just air, but over all three, and that G.I. Joe were, infact, highly explicit in their degree of thereness.

The fact that this is, after all, a Stephen Sommers movie should really tell you a lot about the movies content, assuming that you have seen a Stephen Sommers movie at some point during your life. If you haven’t, it’ll actually tell you pretty much nothing about the movies content. I’ll point out, for the benefit of those who are familiar with the aforementioned director, that it’s in no way as bad as Van Helsing nor The Mummy sequels. You still shouldn’t expect a movie that’s actually good in the classic, entirely accurate usage of the word. You should expect a two-hour toy-promoting cartoon. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then, firstly, congratulations on having a level of cynicism that’s probably healthy for smoothly progressing through life, and secondly, you don’t really have any business reading this far through me writing about this movie, let alone taking the series of actions that would be required for you to go and see it. Congratulations on wasting your time, and thanks for reading anyway.

Still, blowing up the Eiffel Tower? Really? I realise that the French are the worlds favourite whipping-boys when it comes to making “nobody likes” jokes, but it does seem a little odd that they’d do that after Team America. I do wonder if this was an intentional statement about this being exactly the kind of dumb action movie Team America was spoofing…

Also, I’m not sure I like the message that sex-pests can successfully divert romantic interest from a Ninja, particularly when we all know that everyone loves Ninjas – after all, they are French.